Every time I shared an event or an opinion with my mother, she has a response. She will offer up some advice or her opinion or thoughts on what I was talking about, even if she really doesn’t offer much value with her thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and I think she is incredible, but sometimes I wish she would just listen to what I had to say without trying to come up with solutions and fixes. I told my mom about this and told her that she doesn’t have to have a comment for everything we talk about, and that is is okay to not have anything to say. She took it well, and I was feeling so proud of myself. Funnily enough, ever since I did that I have started noticing that I always have something to say about .. well, everything.
Let me explain — you could come up to me and talk about the most obscure thing in the world in a country that I’ve probably never heard of, and I’d try to find a way to connect it to something I already knew of and make up some comment or a response to what you are saying. And this is how the human brain works. The brain dislikes unknown variables, it dislikes being silent as that indicates that you are not offering any value to the conversation and this reduces your “likability” quotient. When the brain hits the unknown, it panics and then tries to resolve the panic by putting the unknown into a box that you already know, a devil you’ve already dealt with! Most of the times, this works like a charm. It’s how we navigate life and learn patterns that reoccur. It helps us be prepared for situations that closely resemble what we have dealt with but slightly different. Like, a science test and a math test — they’re not the same, but the same studying principles can be applied to both of them, so it makes sense to class them as “exam prep”.
Since the skill is so useful in helping us navigate our lives and make smarter decisions the next time we are faced with a similar situation, it seems odd to criticize it. But too much of anything is not desirable. We need to keep this in check and learn to say “I don’t know what you are talking about, could you elaborate more, please?” By doing this, you open up doors to learn more than if you pretended to know it already.
“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows” — Epictetus
This is an interesting quote to ponder on, as it opens you up to the idea of being considered “dumb”. As long as you are learning something from the interaction, don’t you have the better deal?
This idea is true not only to things that you can learn from, but also when a friend is emotional and just needs a shoulder to lean on. We’ve had experiences where all we wanted to do was vent out our frustration from the day, and the last thing we want is for someone to tell us “Well, you should done option 2 instead, it was obvious that was better.”
No one likes to hear this, especially when they’re already down. Sometimes a compassionate ear and silence is more valuable than a problem-solving mouth and judgment. So, stop trying to have a comment or response to everything that people have to say, and ask yourself
Does what I have to say improve this conversation or my knowledge in any way?
