There’s a lot of things that happen to us. Somebody cuts us off on the road, spills coffee on us, or is rude to us. And there are things that are more personal — a break-up, a loved one dying, etc. In all these cases, there’s one thing that we do to make sense out of the event. It’s our on-the-fly explanation for what is happening.
When someone spills coffee on us while on our way to an interview, we might tell ourselves, “The universe hates me, I’m never gonna get a job.” That’s not the case though. What happened was someone spilled their coffee on you. That’s it! It does have consequences and I’m not denying that, but what happened is an unfortunate accident, and has no far-reaching meaning than that. It’s easy for us to try to connect everything with something else to try to fit a narrative. For instance, if you’re the kind of person who likes to feel sorry for themselves, then everything that happens to you will serve that narrative. “Won the second place in a competition? Of course, I don’t deserve the first place, I suck!”
One important question to ask yourself during these times is:
Would I say this to a friend or a loved one?
The answer is going to be no, more often than not! You’d not play your friends’ achievements down or help them beat themselves up with a narrative that only exists in their head. The objectivity of not being the one facing the problem comes into play here, and it is extremely difficult to apply to our own lives. The good news is, we can. Here’s a few tips to get started:
Zoom Out
Look at the event from a bird’s eye view. This can be challenging but this is a skill that can be built. Take an overall picture and see if this will matter in a week from now. How about a month? A year? Now, 10 years? Will you even remember this? Of course, there are events that have far-reaching consequences like a life-threatening disease or an accident, but most of the things that we sweat over or get wound up about is not in this category. In those cases, zoom in out and not getting upset will save you a few hours of being grumpy and unable to focus.
Talk to a Friend
Remember how easy it is for us to advise out friends when they come to us with difficult situations, it’s because it’s easy for us to be objective in these cases. Leverage that, and reach out to someone who cares for you and will be willing to help you see the objective side of things. Finding friends who can call you out on things is a blessing, they’ll help you see things for what they are and save you from getting into trouble that could have been avoided.
Take 3 Deep Breaths
It’s amazing what breathing can do to your nervous system. Deep breathing has a calming effect on your brain and can help you take a much needed second to think before you react. This can come in handy especially when you are about to snap at someone. No matter what happens, try to take three deep breaths before you react to an event, a practice that can save you a lot of headache.
Closing Thoughts
In the end, this is a skill that needs to be cultivated and can only be made possible if you practice. Nobody gets good at something overnight, but the more effort you put into this, the easier it’ll start to feel. And the more you can detach yourself from the story, the more bearable and enjoyable life will become.
